The Great Kopp's Pumpkin-Carving Massacre

I like Kopp's. It serves up some of the best custard and burgers on the planet.

I also like Halloween. Pumpkins, too.

But the combination... not so much.

These artistic disasters are sitting on the counter at Kopp's in Brookfield.

I guess someone should get a little credit for trying to carve an apostrophe into the pumpkin on the left. But the one of the right? It's either a crude expressionistic hamburger or a cautionary tale on what happens to one's labia after too much custard and fast food.

Either way, I strongly urge Kopp's to think twice before picking up a carving knife next year.

Would the owner of a red Pontiac Grand Prix . . .

. . . please remove the burned-out hulk of your vehicle from the sidewalk?

This car is currently, er, parked on Marshall Street near Knapp Street in Yankee Hill. While I'd like to think this is the result of some freak tragedy, like spontaneous vehicular combustion or a Perseid meteor fragment, it's more likely that somebody pissed off the wrong somebody else.

Either way, that sucks! I hope it's covered.

How sticker thieves with tin snips outsmart us all

Stories abound of thieves ripping off registration stickers from license plates. But since it's never happened to me—or anyone I know, for that matter—I figured the crime was either overhyped or urban legend.

Then I noticed this car in front of me recently on Wisconsin Avenue.


I LOLed for a second, admiring the low-tech resourcefulness. No amount of "several small cuts in the sticker once attached" is going to thwart a decent pair of tin snips.

Then it occurred to me how simple it was to outfox a government mandate. Is this really the best our Department of Transportation can do? A damn sticker? The vehicle registration process essentially hasn't changed since license plate standards were established a half-century ago.

Some people want to do away with the archaic sticker system completely (that is, except for the ever-increasing registration fee), but others contend it would make law enforcement more difficult. As a greatest-good sort of person, I support the former. The risk/reward ratio of stealing a sticker is ridiculously unbalanced, and the victims who get their cars ticketed or towed pay too high a price.

Whatever the solution, something must change. Our government and law enforcement officials shouldn't be so easily bested by a jerk with a $5 tool.

Adventures in Milwaukee: Bay View Edition

Science fiction writer Isaac Asimov once said, "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny ... .'"

Apply this musing to urban culture, and Milwaukee could very well be the city of serendipity—a place where you frequently and frustratingly try to find someplace new and unique, only to stumble upon it quite by accident.

Such was the case on a recent Wednesday night. While listening to 88Nine's Marcus Doucette spin Sound Travels at Stone Creek Coffee in Bay View, my Colombian partner suddenly remembered that her beloved country was playing a World Cup game. We immediately started calling (that is, she started calling) around to find a place to watch.

Soccer (or fútbol, as I'm constantly reminded) obviously doesn't have the same sanctimonious cache here as in, say, Latin America. And the few worldly bars we did try—Moct, The Nomad, Bavarian Inn—were only showing European games.

(Why FIFA schedules every country to play on the same day is a complete mystery to me.)

Defeated, we headed back to the car on Kinnickinnic Avenue ... and almost didn't notice the flat screens radiating from what at first appeared to be a typical south side dive bar. We hazarded a few steps inside and soon realized this is one of the greatest places in Milwaukee.

We found The Highbury Pub.

Turned out, the game we were looking for was only being broadcast on Pay-Per-View. It was already halftime when we ventured inside, but that didn't stop the guy working there from spending a half-hour trying to find it for free on cable, satellite and online. He flipped through some 200 channels—and sucked down three cigarettes—just trying to make us happy.

And this from someone who, at first glance, didn't seem particularly savvy. Maybe it was the extra pounds, tank top or shoulder tats that caused me to prejudge. But after talking with him for a bit we learned that not only was he a sports guy, tech guy and travel guy, but also has a Ph.D. ... in linguistics. Linguistics! From an academic perspective, I'm a primitive barbarian compared to this guy.

The Highbury Pub isn't a soccer bar, it's more like a bar that likes everything you like. And together with the very friendly (and very cute) girl pouring beer, everything I thought I knew about bars, bartenders and Bay View has changed. It's a must-visit if you ever want to catch a game—any game.

And this has me wondering, what else am I missing in this city?

"No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses, No Guns" — and No Clue

The Wisconsin Bankers Association along with several law enforcement agencies today launched the "No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses, No Guns" campaign to discourage bank robberies.

And it's the most ridiculous attempt at crime deterrence since the terror alert system.

While I can't argue with the "no guns" part, the rest of "No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses, No Guns" is basically shaming people into a particular type of behavior over fear of being labeled a criminal. This approach closely follows the so-called vigilance we were urged to display after 9/11—and soon everyone speaking Arabic was getting a visit from the FBI. In much the same way, covering your bedhead or keeping your ears warm will now be met with suspicion and censure.

I have enough problems in my life; I don't need some North Shore Nancy at the bank giving me shit because the sun was in my eyes.

Besides, in addition to being totally unenforceable, this campaign doesn't explicitly aim to prevent bank robberies—it simply tries to make it easier to identify robbers afterward. While getting caught can be a powerful deterrent for right-minded people, bank robbers (Danny Ocean and crew notwithstanding) generally don't possess terribly sophisticated minds—several years as a reporter flipping through police reports taught me that.

And if you are a sophisticated bank robber, you'll easily circumvent this policy. Take the crafty fellow who recently knocked over a bank in, of all places, Cedarburg. That takes some mettle ... and a fake beard.

So can "No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses, No Guns and No Facial Hair" be far behind? And what about other retailers that handle money? Is the security guy at Target going to run me down with his shiny new Segway if I don't stow my Packers cap?

Sponsors of "No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses, No Guns" specifically picked this weekend to unveil their new crime-fighting strategy to coincide with the opening of Public Enemies. Apparently there's some concern about an uptick in John Dillinger-style robberies, but since Dillinger didn't use disguises, the connection is about as useless as the policy.

You see, unlike Dillinger, the vast majority of bank robbers are stupid—too stupid to realize they won't get away with it. And subjecting a teller to my bleary eyes or mangled hair isn't going to keep them from trying.